Attachment Styles: How They Shape Your Relationships

Why do I keep ending up in the same kind of relationship? Why do I push people away when I want them close? These are questions I hear in almost every first session, asked in different ways but always pointing to the same confusion.

In my fourteen years as a therapist in London, I have found that understanding attachment styles is one of the most useful frameworks for making sense of these patterns. It does not explain everything, but it explains a great deal, and it shows a clear path forward.

What are attachment styles?

Attachment styles are patterns of relating to others that develop in early childhood based on your experiences with primary caregivers, and continue to shape your relationships throughout adult life. They affect how you handle closeness, conflict, trust, and emotional vulnerability.

The concept was first developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s and later expanded by psychologist Mary Ainsworth through her “Strange Situation” research. Decades of studies have since confirmed that the way we learned to connect as children creates a template, not a destiny, but a strong default, for how we connect as adults. Research in Psychological Bulletin analysing over 200 studies found that attachment patterns remain moderately stable from infancy into adulthood, though they can and do change.

What are the four attachment styles?

There are four recognised attachment styles. Most people have a dominant pattern, though you may recognise elements of more than one.

Secure attachment

People with secure attachment find it relatively comfortable to get close to others and to depend on them. They do not spend much time worrying about being abandoned or about someone getting too close. Roughly 55 to 60 percent of the general population has a predominantly secure style, according to research by Mickelson, Kessler, and Shaver. If this is your pattern, you tend to communicate your needs directly, handle disagreements without catastrophising, and trust that relationships can withstand conflict.

Anxious attachment

People with an anxious attachment style crave closeness but worry constantly that it will be taken away. You might find yourself checking for signs that your partner is losing interest, seeking frequent reassurance, or feeling distressed by small changes in someone’s behaviour: a delayed text, a distracted response, a cancelled plan.

This pattern often develops when caregiving was inconsistent: sometimes warm, sometimes withdrawn. You learned to stay vigilant because you could never quite predict when connection would be available. Roughly 20 percent of adults show a predominantly anxious style.

Avoidant attachment (sometimes called dismissive)

People with an avoidant style value independence and self-sufficiency, often to the point of discomfort with emotional closeness. You might pull away when relationships become intimate, feel smothered by a partner’s emotional needs, or intellectualise feelings rather than experience them directly.

This pattern often develops when caregivers were emotionally distant or dismissive. You learned that depending on others was not safe, so you became very good at relying on yourself. Approximately 23 percent of adults have a predominantly avoidant style.

Disorganised attachment (sometimes called fearful-avoidant)

Disorganised attachment is the most complex pattern. You simultaneously long for and fear closeness. Relationships feel like an unsolvable dilemma: being close is frightening, but being alone is equally unbearable. You may experience intense emotional swings in relationships and find it hard to maintain a consistent sense of yourself or your partner.

This pattern often emerges when a caregiver was both a source of comfort and a source of fear, as in cases of abuse, neglect, or significant parental distress. Around 5 percent of the general population shows a predominantly disorganised pattern, though the prevalence is higher in clinical populations.

How do different attachment styles interact in relationships?

Understanding your own style is valuable. Understanding how styles interact in a couple is where things get really interesting, and often painfully familiar.

The anxious-avoidant trap

This is the most common problematic pairing I see in my practice. One partner seeks more closeness, more reassurance, more connection. The other pulls back, needing space. The more the anxious partner reaches, the more the avoidant retreats. The more the avoidant retreats, the more desperately the anxious partner reaches.

Both partners are acting from fear. The anxious partner fears abandonment; the avoidant fears engulfment. Neither is wrong. Research by Dr Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, has shown that this pursue-withdraw cycle is the single most common pattern in couples who seek therapy.

When two anxious partners pair

This pairing can be intensely emotional. Both partners are hyperaware of the relationship’s temperature and quick to react to perceived threats. The bond can feel very close, but the volatility can be exhausting.

When two avoidant partners pair

This pairing may appear calm and independent from the outside. Both partners keep a comfortable distance. The risk here is that the relationship remains emotionally shallow, with neither person ever fully showing up.

Can you change your attachment style?

Yes, and this is the most important message of attachment research. Your attachment style is not a life sentence. The concept of “earned security” demonstrates that people who had difficult early experiences can develop a secure style through meaningful relationships and therapy. If you are considering taking that step, it helps to know what actually happens in a first therapy session.

A landmark study in Development and Psychopathology found that adults who had processed their early attachment experiences, even very difficult ones, functioned with the same relational security as those who had naturally secure childhoods. What matters is not what happened to you, but whether you have been able to reflect on and integrate those experiences. Longitudinal research shows that roughly 30 percent of people demonstrate meaningful changes in attachment style over a four-year period.

How does gestalt therapy work with attachment patterns?

In my gestalt practice, I work with attachment not primarily as a theory to be understood but as a lived experience to be noticed in real time. Attachment patterns are not just ideas about how you relate. They show up in the room, between therapist and client, moment by moment.

When an anxiously attached client apologises for “taking up too much time” or watches my face for signs of impatience, that is the pattern happening right now, not just a story about the past. It often shades into people-pleasing patterns where the need for approval overrides the need to be seen. When an avoidant client intellectualises a painful experience or changes the subject when emotions surface, we can gently notice that together: what just happened? What did you feel a moment ago, before the shift?

Gestalt therapy emphasises present-moment awareness. Rather than analysing why you developed a particular attachment style, we focus on how the pattern manifests in the here and now. You cannot change the past, but you can develop a new awareness of what you do in the present, and with awareness comes choice.

The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a laboratory for new relational experiences. If your pattern is to hide your needs, therapy offers a space to practise expressing them. If your pattern is to cling, therapy offers a relationship that is consistently available, allowing the nervous system to gradually learn that connection does not require constant vigilance.

When should you seek therapy for attachment issues?

Not every insecurity requires professional help. But there are signs that your attachment patterns are significantly affecting your quality of life.

Consider reaching out if you notice a repeating cycle in your relationships that you cannot seem to break, regardless of who your partner is. If conflict triggers responses that feel disproportionate, overwhelming panic, complete shutdown, or intense rage, your attachment system is likely being activated in ways that deserve attention.

If you find it genuinely impossible to trust a partner even when they have given you no reason for doubt, or if you consistently choose partners who are unavailable, the pattern is worth exploring. A meta-analysis in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found that relationally focused therapy produced lasting improvements in attachment security, relationship satisfaction, and overall psychological wellbeing. For a practical overview of your options in the UK, see my comparison of private therapy and NHS routes in London.