Gaslighting: when someone makes you doubt your own memory

It starts with small things. “I never said that.” “You’re imagining it.” “You’re too sensitive.” At first a person argues back, then begins to wonder whether they really did mishear. Over time they start writing conversations down just to check they are not losing their mind, apologise more and more often, and no longer trust their own memory.

This is called gaslighting: a pattern in which one person, again and again, makes another doubt their memory, perception and judgement. The word comes from Gas Light, a 1938 play by the British writer Patrick Hamilton, later filmed in Britain and in Hollywood. In it, a husband secretly causes the gas lamps in the house to dim and then insists his wife is imagining it, until she begins to believe she is going mad. Gaslighting happens most often between partners, but it also occurs in families, for example from parents towards their children.

How it happens

Gaslighting rarely begins with an outright lie. More often it is a series of small moves, each of which can be explained away on its own. A US helpline for people experiencing abuse in relationships describes several typical ones:

• Denial and “forgetting”: “That never happened”, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
• Questioning memory: “You never remember things properly.”
• Dismissing feelings: “You’re overreacting”, “You can’t take a joke.”
• Changing the subject: instead of discussing what happened, the conversation turns to how the person is “making things up again”.
• Refusing to talk: “I’m not going over this again.”

Often there is one more move: the person hears that friends and family “also think” they are overreacting. Contact with those people gradually shrinks, and there is no one left to check impressions against.

Why it works on anyone

Gaslighting does not only work on people who are “too trusting”. Usually its targets are perfectly level-headed people who are persuaded, step by step, that something is wrong with them, until they seriously wonder whether their memory is failing or they are losing their mind.

This happens because the mechanism is built into ordinary closeness. People check their view of the world against those they trust most, and Canadian psychologists at McGill University argue that this is exactly what gives a close person special power over someone’s sense of reality. Experiments show it too. At the University of Sydney in Australia, couples and close friends recalled events they had shared; when one of them insisted on a false version, the other often accepted it and became less sure of their own recollection.

Memory itself is not a recording: everyone forgets and reconstructs details. That is why the slow pressure of “you’ve got it wrong again” takes hold so easily, especially when it comes from someone whose opinion matters. Many people end up thinking the problem lies with them.

Gaslighting, a disagreement or a lie?

At the same time, the word itself has become extremely popular. In 2022 Merriam-Webster named it word of the year after look-ups rose by 1,740%, and the dictionary itself notes that its meaning is widening. But not every argument about what happened is gaslighting.

• Two people remember things differently. This is normal: nobody remembers conversations word for word, and people often misremember details of what was said. In an ordinary disagreement each person keeps their own version, and neither starts to doubt their own sanity.
• Someone lies. An ordinary lie is meant to make a person believe one particular thing. The American philosopher Kate Abramson of Indiana University, in her 2024 book On Gaslighting, draws the line here: gaslighting undermines a person’s ability to trust their own judgement at all.
• Gaslighting. It repeats over months, usually happens where one person has more power or influence, and its main sign is what happens to the person on the receiving end: they gradually stop believing themselves.

The person doing it is not always fully aware of it. The University of Michigan sociologist Paige Sweet notes that gaslighting can be unintentional, but that does not make it any less harmful.

When it is part of abuse

Gaslighting is rarely the only problem in a relationship. Often it is part of wider control: over money, a phone, contact with other people. In England and Wales, statutory guidance under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 explicitly lists “persuading a victim to doubt their own sanity or mind (including ‘gaslighting’)” among the forms of emotional abuse. Repeated or continuous controlling or coercive behaviour towards a partner, ex-partner or family member can be a criminal offence when it has a serious effect on the person.

What helps

In such relationships no technique on its own will fix the situation: what matters most is getting out from under that influence, and that usually takes support from outside. But a few things help a person find their footing again.

Naming what is happening: understanding that this is a known pattern, not one’s own madness, already lifts some of the self-blame. In a study by researchers at King’s College London and the University of Melbourne, women who had experienced abuse in relationships said how much it mattered that professionals took them seriously and helped them name what was happening to them.

Leaning on people outside the relationship: since gaslighting gradually cuts a person off from friends and family, it matters to reconnect with them and, if needed, to find a professional. An outside view brings back a sense of reality.

Not arguing about whose version is right: trying to prove what really happened usually only strengthens the vicious circle. It is enough to say “I remember it differently” and end the discussion.

Psychotherapy often helps a person make sense of what is happening and begin to trust their own perception again: with a professional, it is possible to piece events back together calmly, understand how the relationship works and decide what to do about it. And if gaslighting is part of serious abuse in the family and a person fears for themselves or those close to them, it is right to go to the police.