Low self-esteem: why praising yourself doesn't help

A person with low self-esteem may read a work email three times before sending it, then apologise in the first line for taking up the reader’s time. When a friend says they look lovely, they may reply with a joke at their own expense. They may take on extra work while already swamped, because saying no feels like letting everyone down. From the outside, they can seem capable and kind. Inside, there is a quiet, settled verdict: “I’m not good enough.”

The NHS describes self-esteem simply as the opinion we have of ourselves. It is a way of seeing oneself, often learnt early, that colours work, relationships and even how good news is received. And that view can change, slowly.

What does low self-esteem look like?

It rarely announces itself. More often it shows up as small habits: brushing off compliments, apologising for things that need no apology, putting other people’s wishes first, staying quiet in meetings, not applying for a job until every requirement is met. Decisions get second-guessed for days. Mistakes feel like proof: one awkward comment becomes “I always get everything wrong”. Comparison runs in the background, and other people always seem cleverer, more attractive, simply better.

Low self-esteem is easy to confuse with other things. Modesty is how a person presents themselves to others; low self-esteem is how they feel about themselves when no one is watching. Confidence is narrower: someone can be confident at their job, even a high achiever, and still believe that as a person they are worth little.

The hidden rulebook

In the 1990s Melanie Fennell, a clinical psychologist in Oxford, described how low self-esteem keeps itself going. At its core is a bottom line, a global belief such as “I’m not good enough”, “I’m unlovable” or “I’m a burden”. Living with that belief is painful, so a person develops rules to get through life: “I must never let anyone down”, “If I’m not perfect, people will see what I’m really like”, “My needs come last”.

While the rules are kept, things feel manageable. The trouble starts when a rule is threatened: a presentation at work that might go badly, say, or a friend who might be hurt by a refusal. The bottom line switches on, anxious predictions follow, and the person protects themselves by over-preparing, seeking reassurance or pleasing everyone. Often the feared disaster doesn’t happen, but the belief isn’t tested either. The person concludes: “It went fine because I worked twice as hard.”

When a rule is broken, the belief feels confirmed: “I knew it.” Self-criticism follows, then low mood, which makes the bottom line feel even truer. This is why knowing where low self-esteem came from is rarely enough to change it: the rules keep running every day and keep confirming the bottom line.

Why kind words don’t stick

Good news clashes with the bottom line, and the bottom line usually wins. Research at the University of Waterloo in Canada has found that people with low self-esteem tend to damp down good feelings rather than savour them, and that a success tends to leave them more anxious, not more confident, dwelling on its downsides.

Compliments run into the same wall. In 2007 Denise Marigold, John Holmes and Michael Ross, also at Waterloo, asked students in relationships to recall a compliment from their partner. Some were asked to describe exactly what the partner had said; others to explain why the partner admired them and what the compliment meant for the relationship. People with low self-esteem who stuck to the exact words felt no better for it. Those who wrote about the meaning felt as good about the compliment, and as secure in the relationship, as people with high self-esteem, and felt better about themselves too. Two weeks later they still felt more secure, and recalled more kindness from their partner in the meantime.

The same logic explains why telling oneself “I’m wonderful” in front of a mirror often feels false. When the inner verdict is “not good enough”, a sweeping statement only invites it to argue back. A specific, believable piece of evidence has a better chance.

Where does it come from?

Most often it starts early. A home where a child was criticised, compared with others, overlooked or loved only when they did well can teach them that their worth is conditional. A large American study that followed more than 8,000 children from birth found that the quality of home life in the first six years still left a mark on their self-esteem at 27, though the effect weakened with age. Even lavish praise can backfire: in an experiment in the Netherlands, children with low self-esteem who were told their drawing was “incredibly beautiful” went on to choose easier pictures to copy, as if afraid of not living up to it, while children with high self-esteem chose harder ones.

Bullying at school, discrimination and being made to feel less valued than others play a part too. So do events in adulthood: losing a job, a break-up, a serious illness or a bereavement. Genes matter as well: twin studies suggest they account for roughly a third to a half of the differences between people.

But self-esteem isn’t fixed in childhood. When researchers in Switzerland pooled studies of almost 165,000 people aged 4 to 94, self-esteem on average kept rising through adulthood, peaked at around 60 and dipped only in old age. People tend to see themselves more kindly as they get older.

When is it more than low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem and depression are closely linked. In 2013 Julia Sowislo and Ulrich Orth at the University of Basel in Switzerland analysed 77 studies that assessed the same people more than once. Low self-esteem predicted later depression about twice as strongly as depression predicted later low self-esteem. With anxiety, the influence ran about equally both ways.

Feeling worthless is also one of the symptoms of depression itself. If, alongside harsh thoughts about oneself, low mood, loss of interest, disturbed sleep or constant guilt last for most of the day, every day, for more than two weeks, it is worth seeing a GP. Depression and anxiety are treatable, with psychological therapy and, where needed, antidepressants. There is no medicine for low self-esteem on its own.

What helps?

It helps to notice one’s own rules and test them in small steps rather than obey them: sending an email after one read instead of three, saying no to a request that can wait, asking a question in a meeting. Each time, it is worth looking at what actually happened.

When a compliment comes, the Waterloo research suggests taking it as meant and thinking about what the person values and why. Good moments are worth holding on to, by telling someone or writing them down, instead of moving straight on to the next worry.

How a person speaks to themselves after a setback matters too. A 2019 study by psychologists in Italy and the UK found that self-criticism was much less closely tied to depression in people who could also be warm and reassuring towards themselves when things go wrong, while high self-esteem made no such difference. That voice can be practised.

Psychotherapy can also help. A 2018 review from London found that weekly sessions brought large improvements in self-esteem and eased depression too. In England, adults registered with a GP can refer themselves to NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety or depression, or see a private psychotherapist.

Low self-esteem feels like a fact about oneself, but it is closer to an old conclusion drawn from limited evidence. Conclusions can be revised.